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A Testimony of God's Grace! "My Story" by Lee Law
I am eternally grateful for God who loves us and has given us the best gift of all. His gift of grace, eternal life, to be spent with Him forever. I remember when my oldest son was born and how proud I was, and I remember the pain when he was killed. I know where he is because of this Babe that was born almost 2000 years ago, who is indeed Christ the Lord, our Savior. I certainly did not expect to cause any excitement about a little of my testimony of the past 10+ years. I've seen others who had by God's grace dealt with worse. But I will share to glorify my God, to Him I give the glory and the honor. Today, my testimony is a copy of my heart as I suspect it is with all Christians. I was raised in a lukewarm church back in the '40's and '50's, and I even preached part of a sermon at a Presbyterian church that I attended because I did not like the church of my confirmation. I was president of the Christian youth fellowship at that Presbyterian church. I felt the call of God but I ignored it and went into the service instead. A Prodigal Son I had become. I was sent through medical corps school, and while in the service was swallowed up in the things of this world. I enjoyed running the emergency room, and had broad medical skills which I could use only in the service. When I got out of the service in the early '60's and had worked for a year or two, I went to college at the ripe old age of 26. God was even farther away because I had bought into the liberal kind of garbage of a liberal teachers college in Colorado, where I was raised. God was beginning to put me on my knees, however, but it was to be 16 or 18 years before I finally was beat nearly to death by my own self-will. The teacher was in the bottle and it was teaching me how to die badly. I was into partying and all that that entails, mostly bad. I worked at night at a nursing home and put myself through college, and graduated in '69 with a BA, and then again in '70 with a MA in the social work field. I was drinking heavily by this time and becoming more hardened in my heart, and time and alcohol was taking it's toll on me. I went to work in Wyoming as a counselor and my drinking became even worse. I moved back to Colorado and was becoming a raging drunk, and even with a DUI I would not see, I was in Denial. Then it started, I was getting scared. I started doing some thing that I had not done in years and years and that was pray. I would pray the Lord's Prayer when I would lie down and I did something that I had not done in years, I slept soundly. Over a 90 day period, I would pray at night but I still did some drinking and I remember clearly the last time I went out and drank. I was powerless over alcohol and life. I went to AA and I think that God had been moving me that way for some time. The denial broke in an instant when I walked through those AA doors. I surrendered to a God that I did not know and trusted a God that I could not see, to keep me from drinking. And He has delivered me from that Demon. It was another almost 6 years before I found the Lord. In prayer I would ask God who this Jesus was and I got my answer. I knelt in the presence of infinite power and love, in a brightness beyond discription, and asked the Lord to be the Lord of my life. I was given much, and forgiven a very great deal. I confessed my sins and asked God to remove the defects of character that were in me. It was an exciting time in my life even though my marriage had disolved. I was carrying the message to the group at AA and I was suddenly thrust into the forefront to lead some members to the Lord. The whole character of the AA club changed as a result of God being talked about and shared. The Lord used me to help deliver two gay people from their lifestyle at that club. The girl I was to marry was transferred to the South and I came down here to Atlanta on faith and got a job right away. I was drivng a cement mixer truck and I had a ministry out of that truck with many, many of the construction crews, to some sharing a word of knowledge, to others talking about the Lord and giving them a Bible to read. I gave English and Spanish Bibles away during that time. God was also moving in the company where I worked. The really hardened-hearted people soon left as I claimed those employees at the plant for Jesus and proceeded to witness and lead some of them to the Lord. When the men had a problem I would pray with them and counsel them, and share God's Word with them on those rainy days that it was too wet to work, and often on job sites. Then the blow fell and my wife, Carol, was disgnoised with cancer. Only three weeks after we had put earnest money on a new house. We moved in and she did well for about 4 years. And then I was hurt, when I slipped going up a ladder to put calcuim into the cement mixer drum and fell about 4 feet with a 50 pound of calcium on my left shoulder, and succeeded in blowing the L-5 S-1 discs in my back ,not to mention loosening the left SI joint. I had to wonder what God had in mind. That job ministry ended and I was retired at a young 55. Today I know that I was retired to take care of my wife and to learn the lessons that the Lord would teach me. A changed life? Yes! Most people who know me today are truly amazed that I was once a nasty, mean, evil drunk. Amazing Grace! I have a great deal of peace inside of me. At one point in this journey, I went on Paxil for three months to fight depression and then came off of it. My mother-in-law had died of pancreatic cancer and I officiated at her funeral, then I flew out to Denver the next day to be with my daughter, who had breast cancer, to be with her for her surgery. A successful lumpectomy. Her cancer was receptor negative. I came back in three days to a huge scare with Carol and her cancer. She had relapsed. In '95 after Carol had finished the grueling second batch of chemo treatments and a HDC [bone marrow transplantion] on our minds, we had gone out to Myrtle Beach to recuperate. There I got a call on the 5th of April that my oldest son had been killed in an auto accident. We immediately came back to Atlanta, and I flew out to Denver to be with my other son and all of my family. I flew back the 9th of April to the waiting problems of Carol's relapse. She had gone metastic and all what that entails. It was a very painful experience for me, one that words cannot describe, so deep was the pain at that time of the loss of my son. But I hope you will understand when I say that it pales in comparision to the pain that I feel for my mate and partner in life. My son's death was sudden and easier to deal with; Carol is going through a long and grinding journey, as it is with all cancer patients and their loved ones. My wife is now on hospice and she is stable and doing good for the advanced stages of her disease. I hope that when the time comes, that by God's grace I can do her eulogy and share with others the strength that God has given her and me on this difficult journey. Lately, I have had some very useful counseling sessions with a chaplain. My blood pressure was climbing and causing me some problems, and I had to find out what was lurking behind that I could not see, or would not see. I lost a son which was so difficult, but now I was dealing with the same issues. Only instead of suddenly dealing with them as with my son, it has been a long grinding process that Carol and I find ourselves in. I suspected that anger lurked somewhere in me, but now that I have started to peal the onion [it comes in layers like an onion], I find that I get too protective of Carol and do not talk with her about everything. I can see that clearly now. I'm not sure that I am mad at God, but that it could be what I had written a month or so ago that "I would trade all of the blessings that I had been given for my wife to be healthy." There is some anger which still requires more work, but I know that anger is a normal response in dealing with deep pain. But I have to work on an old macho image that keeps wanting to pop up, in regard to my losses (my young son and now my young wife), same old issues keep popping up, but am thanking God that now I know how to deal with them, because I've got them out in the open. I belong to a group of husbands whose wives are battling breast cancer. I'm struggling right now and it is all right for others to see that. As Chrstians, we all do at some time in this journey. I am not nearly at the level at which I cannot yet help others. I do not know how much I can deal with, but I haven't nearly reached that level yet. I hope that what I say does help. I really do. I have a great deal of peace inside of me. They cannot overtax me by letting me help in whatever way that I can. I want to also share an incident that sticks out in my mind as I was preparing for admission for surgery some time back. I sat in the admissions office and noticed a young lady, Her face was taut. The Lord spoke to my heart. I walked over to her and told her that I knew that she was a Christian and that the Lord had said that she would be all right. She was to have a bioposy for breast cancer. She fell apart and told me that I didn't know what that meant to her to hear those words, and yes she was a Christian. I didn't have to see her again to know the outcome of the results of her bioposy. My testimony is not over yet. I will add to this, one of these days, of how God's Grace has sustained Carol and me. And when I see Carol once again when Jesus comes, I will tell her the end of our story as well, although I wouldn't be surprised that she will already know. Praise God from Whom ALL BLESSINGS flow; praise God for His Amazing Grace! To God I give all of the glory and credit and the honor. He is the Rock foundaton of my life, I am not perfect but He loves me just the same. My favorite song is Amazing Grace because I was so dead in my sins, and it reminds me of how great and complete is His grace. One day I shall go home to be with Him and to meet you all. God bless and keep each and every one of you. That will be some kind of party, I guarantee it.
I have work to do and I look toward the challenges that lie ahead of me in a ministry for my Lord. I want more than ever to have my life reflect the Lord indwelling in me, to reflect His personality, and the devil had better watch out. I hope that the Lord will allow me to make it look like "Desert Storm" against that old liar and dragon. To live is a decision, to die is by default.
I am in my new Bible software program reading and studying about the unpardonable sin and about worship. Unger has a lot to say as do the others in this study program. I remember during the last six months of Carol's life, when I would lay down with her in the evening and stay with her, how she would roll over towards me to have her head on my chest and I could feel the tension in her body. I could sense her fear and exhaustion from the cancer. I would pray with her and rebuke that spirit of fear and I could feel her relax. I am not sure that I had enough sense to get scared during that time but took it as it came. I had a few bouts of fear but recognized them and rebuked them. God gave me His Godly love for her, something I had never experienced before to that depth and it was nothing emotional but based on Loving concern, compassion, tenderness, a closeness that is difficult to define and the feeling of God's pesence continually and His comforting and assurance, something not possible without God. I looked at the writngs of Paul in the New Testament ans see where he had experienced fear and yet under the gun in many instances he was at peace and without fear {even feared for his life at once point but God delivered]. I was also given a very deep and profound understanding of death as man views it and as God views it, into my heart. I am not sure that I would have the words to describe it. Did I do everything right? Probably not. Exhaustion took its toll on me also, but God's grace gave us that measure to keep on going. inspite of asny short comings on my part. I am in such new territory now, new to me to be alone [but I have one who sticks closer than a brother] without fear, but anxious for what is next; again patience is what I must work on. I feel my body coming alive again after the truma and pain of Carol's passing and it is less difficult to talk about her and the tears do not flow when I do as they once did. God shows me my bearings and I begin to take up life and go with the flow of the Spirit, maybe a little hesitantly into this new territory in my life but in a way eagerly also for I know that my heavenly Father knows what is best for me. I look back now upon the birthday gift Carol and I received a day early -- she died on March 28th and I had a birthday on the 29th -- when Carol passed on to go home to be with her Lord. I know where she is at and I am sure of that beyond any doubt. To have her delivered from the ravages of cancer and to eternal life seeing the face of Jesus and her Father in heaven and to be among other of those in her family who have preceeded her in going home, and the angels that she loved. Physically we both paid a price and I'd pay that price again even if it cost me this life in this body to care for her. Getting used to freedom from cancer has been interesting. I have freedom today that I have not had for the ten years that Carol and I lived with cancer, of movement, of doing things, of going when I want to, and where I want to, and making the decisions that affect only me and learning and learning more about this new freedom that God has given me, trusting even more the guidance of the Holy Spirit as He moves me to do some things or even to witness to others. I cannot not talk about God and salvation and what He has done for me too much. I canot help but to share the Truth. I have much freedom in the Lord and Paul talks about as a captive of the Roman empire, freedom even while in chains of his captors. While I am not captive in that same sense it illustrates the fact that the spirit rules today and not the flesh for He has saved me from my self.
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